Daydreaming

Remarkably, next week I’ll be 27 weeks. Twenty-seven weeks is the third trimester. Where has the time gone? We are getting closer and closer to meeting our boys. Average gestation of babies is 40 weeks, which would sound really far away if I weren’t having twins. With twins, they must be taken about a month early (36 or 37 weeks) for many reasons, the biggest being limited space inside mama. Therefore, instead of having 13 more weeks, we have about 10 (Eek! and Yikes!).

With that being said, I’m beginning to find myself daydreaming about the days to come. I think things like, “What would I be doing right now if the twins were here?” or “I bet if the twins were here, we’d be giving them baths and swaddling them up snug for bed.”

As I daydream, I realize just how much things will probably change around here. I probably won’t be able to enjoy certain freedoms and independence. When I first discovered I was (unexpectedly) pregnant, it’s the big things that flew through my mind. No travel, no big, expensive purchases, etc. But there are also little things that must be sacrificed, as well.

For a long time, Jimmy and I were selfish. As twenty-somethings, I think that’s pretty normal. We liked our schedules, liked doing what we wanted and when. We enjoyed lots of freedoms, like deciding to do a weekend getaway somewhere just for fun. Then, without having anything or anyone depending on us, we could pack real quick and go. If we went out for drinks, we knew we could crash with friends because there wasn’t anything waiting for us to fulfill their needs at home. We enjoyed this so much that we promised no kids, no pets.

And then Sadie came along…literally. Sadie is our boxer/pitbull/retriever mix. A year ago, July 14th, to be exact, I was on summer break from teaching. We live in front of a school with a massive parking lot and I would occasionally deem myself the “Neighborhood Watch” while on summer vacation. I was painting our office (which is now the nursery) when I saw a suspicious looking couple across the street. When they drove off, I assumed they littered because they left what looked like a pile of t-shirts on the ground. Then, I saw her. The tiny, ten-pound, malnourished puppy get out of the shirt and start walking along the street. Immediately, I ran out the front door and coaxed her over to our back yard. She was nothing but skin and bones.

Long story short, I grew attached. And even though Jimmy reminded me of our freedoms, reminded me that we said no dogs or pets, there I was begging him to keep her. So, we did.

All of a sudden, we were kind of tied down. Something was waiting at home that depended on us. Not to mention she was as puppy as puppy gets, which meant kennel-training, potty-training and pretty consistent vet appointments. If we wanted to go out of town, it was no longer spontaneous. We had to get a puppy-sitter. For a while, I sacrificed my time for Sadie’s needs. She rolled around the backyard (and thus in her own poo…) and there’s an unexpected bath time. She ate something she wasn’t supposed to, so Jimmy and I took a visit to the animal ER. The list goes on for our little spaz…

Sadie is one and needs us a lot less now. I’m not cleaning up accidents in the house or discovering chew marks on my furniture. Since being (almost) clear of the puppy stage, Jimmy and I were enjoying our schedules and time together again.

And then my pregnancy test was positive.

And we’ll be having two babies, not one.

And instead of focusing on the sacrifices, the things I won’t be able to do, I can’t help but daydream.

I know when the boys arrive, things will change. We will lose freedoms and our alone time, but we will gain so much more. I am taking time to value my time, filling my own needs, focusing on myself, knowing these things won’t happen near as frequently when two little boys will be relying on me for everything.

For now, in the mornings, when I’ve struggled getting sleep and my hips are sore and my eyes are tired, I can chose to go back to sleep until nine o’clock. I have that freedom and value that time. But I daydream about early mornings, getting the twins from the nursery and snuggling with them as they feed.

For now, when the dishes pile up and the laundry needs doing, I can clean and organize, totally uninterrupted. I can run the vacuum when I need to and not worry about waking anyone up. But I daydream about folding little onsies and washing sheets for the crib. I daydream about leaving the dishes and laundry to snuggle my boys a little longer.

For now, I cuddle up with Jimmy on the couch after dinner. We catch up on our shows or chose to watch a movie. We put on the surround sound, full blast (with the woofer), like we’re in the theatres. But I daydream about after dinner with the boys and how that will probably be bath time. We’ll wrap them up in hooded towels, lotion up their chubby thighs, diaper them up and get them ready for bedtime. We’ll rock them and sing to them and it’ll be better than watching movies in the living room.

So yes, for now, I will take long, hot showers. I’ll wash my hair, blow it dry, heck, maybe even style it, because I have the time. I might chose to read a whole book in one day, because right now, I can.  I will soak up this time I have to be Megan before I become Mommy and spend my time the way I see fit.

Because when I become Mommy, and my time is no longer my own, it will be beautiful to be so needed.  And though I may tire and think back to the times of long showers and uninterrupted time, I will be reminded that my window for being needed is actually very short. Sadie stopped needing me and the boys will, too. And instead of missing sleeping in, I will miss breastfeeding and swaddles and keeping track of diaper changes.

I will soak up this time, while it is still mine, and eagerly await becoming Mommy.

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